^Uj1" 


JOHN  BEEDLE'S 

SLEIGH  RIDE,  COURTSHIP, 


AND 


MARRIAGE. 


ATTRIBUTED  TO 

CAPT.    M'CLINTOCK, 

OF    THE    U.    S.    ARMY. 


NEW    YORK: 

PUBLISHED   BY   C.   WELLS 

1841. 


ADAMS,  PRINTER, 
No.  59  Gold  Street. 


The  following  are  the  best  things  of  the 
kind  we  have  ever  read.  They  appeared  origi 
nally  and  anonymously  several  years  since  in 

the  Portland  Courier,  and  passed  with  great 
rapidity  through  almost  every  public  journal 

in  the  country.  They  are  from  the  pen  of  *  JOHN 
NEAL,  at  present  one  of  the  editors  of  the 
"  New-England  Galaxy."  They  will  ever 
be  appreciated  by  all  lovers  of  genuine  wit 
and  humour. — BicknelVs  Reporter. 

THE  SLEIGH  RIDE. 

As  I  was  going  past  Mr.  Josh  Barter's  tav 
ern  the  other  day,  I  heard  a  terrible  noise  in 
the  bar-room,  and  thinks  I,  I'll  just  put  my  head 

*  Since  attributed  to  Capt.  M'Clintock  of  the  U.  S.  A, 


4:  THE    SLEIGH    RIDE. 

in,  and  see  what  is  the  matter.  f  Whoorah  !' 
roared  a  heap  of  fellows,  "  here's  Johnny  Bee- 
die,  he'll  go,  and  that  makes  ten  ;"  and  they 
haul'd  me  in  among  'em.  "  What's  the  occa 
sion  ?"  says  I.  "  A  sleigh  ride  over  to  Shaw's, 
(every  body  goes  to  Shaw's  that  goes  a  sleigh 
riding,)  with  gals,  fiddle  and  frolic."  "  Whoo 
rah  !"  says  I.  "  I  motion,"  says  Dr.  Patridge, 
"  that  every  gentleman  go  right  strait  now, 
and  get  his  sleigh  and  his  lady,  and  meet  at 
Hank's  corner  ;"  and  with  another  whoorah, 
we  burst  out  of  doors,  and  scattered. 

I  ran  full  speed  to  the  widow  Bean's.  Her 
daughter  Patty  is  the  handsomest  girl  in  Cas- 
co  bay.  I  had  given  her  some  pretty  broad 
hints,  and  only  waited  for  a  good  chance  to 

.ttt-     if    pit  oil      <-»/-»TV»r»   +l-»iO 


very  night,  says  I. 

I  bounced  into  the  widow  Bean's  out  of 
breath,  and  was  near  catching  Patty  in  the 
suds.  She  had  just  done  washing,  and 
wringing  out,  standing  in  the  midst  of  tubs, 
mops  and  kettles.  —  She  was  struck  all  of  a 
heap  at  the  sight  of  her  spark,  and  would 
have  blushed  nicely,  I  guess,  if  she  hadn't 


THE    SLEIGH    RIDE.  5 

been  as  red  as  she  could  be  already.  "  A 
word  in  your  ear,  Patty,"  says  I,  giving  her 
a  wink,  and  stepping  into  a  corner,  and  telling 
her  what  was  brewing.  "  I'll  run  and  bor 
row  the  deacon's  sleigh,  and  come  back  right 
away,"  says  I.  "O,  you  needn't  be  in  such  a 
tearing  hurry,"  says  she,  "  for  I've  got  to  shift 
from  top  to  toe.  You  see  what  a  pickle  I'm 
in."  "  Ah,  Patty,"  says  I,  "  beauty  when 
unadorned's  adorned  the" — "  Well,  I  vow," 
says  Patty,  says  she.  And  off  I  shot,  for  how 
was  I  to  follow  up  such  a  bold  speech?  but 
I  couldn't  help  sniggering  all  the  way  to  the 
deacon's,  to  think  how  swimmingly  matters 
were  going  on.  I  was  so  full  of  this,  that  I 
entirely  forgot  to  make  up  a  story  to  fob  off 
upon  the  deacon,  till  I  got  almost  to  the  door ; 
for  the  deacon  is  a  sworn  enemy  to  all  frol 
icking,  and  so  is  his  mare.  "  I'll  tell  him  I 
want  to  carry  a  grist  to  mill."  But  that  will 
be  found  out. — "  No  matter,  so  it  is  after  elec 
tion,  as  the  politicians  say." 

The  deacon  gave  a  mortal  squint  at  my 
face,  when  I  did  my  errand,  but  I  was  safe 
behind  a  shirt  collar.  He  then  fell  to  chewing 


6  THE    SLEIGH    RIDE. 

his  cud  and  considering.  "  Mother's  clean 
out,"  says  I,  "  both  rye  and  injun."  The 
deacon  spit. — "  Well,  neighbor,  if  you  are 
afeard  to  trust  a  feller,  there's  two  shillings 
beforehand."  "  Poh,  poh,  John,"  says  he, 
walking  up  and  pocketing  the  money,  "  not 
trust  you?  hear  that.  Now,  Joshua,  tackle 
up  Sukey.  You'll  drive  the  critter  slow, 
John  ;  and  now  I  think  on't,  you  may  bring 
my  grist,  that  is  now  at  the  mill — and  look 
sharp  at  the  miller,  John,  when  he  strikes  the 
toll  measure."  It  was  too  late  to  stick  at 
lies  now.  So  I  promised  every  thing,  jumped 
into  the  sleigh,  and  steered  to  the  widow's 
with  flying  colors. 

It  is  the  height  of  gentility,  you  must  know, 
for  a  lady  to  make  her  beau  wait  as  long  as 
possible  on  such  an  occasion.  I. sat  over  a 
heap  of  warm  ashes  in  the  widow  Bean's 
parlor,  listening  to  Patty  stamping  about  in 
her  stocking  feet,  in  the  chamber  overhead, 
for  one  good  hour.  Then  I  stood  up  to  the 
looking-glass,  and  frizzled  up  my  hair, 
changed  my  shirt  pin  to  a  new  place,  thought 
over  some  speeches  to  make  under  the  buffalo 


THE    SLEIGH    RIDE.  7 

skin,  and  finally  laid  a  plot  to  lug  in  the 
awful  question  in  a  sort  of  slantindickelar 
fashion. 

At  last  Patty  appeared  in  all  her  glory ;  I 
was  just  crooking  my  elbow  to  lead  her  out, 
when  in  came  Mrs.  Bean. 

"  Were  are  you  gowyin  to,  Patty  ?" 

"  What,  and  leave  your  cousin  Dolly  all 
alone,. to  suck  her  fingers?  A  pretty  how 
d'ye  do  that,  after  coming  all  the  way  from 
Saco  to  see  you." 

Here  was  a  knock-down  argument.  All 
my  plans  of  courting  and  comfort  melted 
down  and  ran  off  in  a  moment.  I  saw  directly 
that  the  widow  was  resolved  to  push  big 
Dolly  Fisher  into  my  sleigh,  whether  or  no  ; 
and  there  was  no  remedy,  for  the  widow 
Bean  is  a  stump  that  is  neither  to  be  got 
round  nor  moved  out  of  the  way.  I  said 
something  about  the  small  size  of  the  sleigh, 
but  it  wouldn't  do — she  shut  my  mouth  in 
stantly. 

"  Let  me  alone,"  says  she — "  I  went  a 
sleighing  afore  you  was  born,  youngster.  If 
I  don't  know  how  to  pack  a  sleigh,  who 


8  THE    SLEIGH    RIDE. 

does  ?  Patty  Bean,  stow  yourself  away  here, 
and  shrink  yourself  up  small.  If  there  isn't 
room,  we  must  make  room,  as  the  fellows 
used  to  say.  Now,  Dolly,  hoist  yourself  in 
there. 

She  tumbled  her  into  the  sleigh  like  a  shot 
from  a  shovel,  or  a  cart  load  of  pumpkins  into 
a  gondola.  It  was  chuck  full  of  her.  G  she's 
a  whopper,  I  tell  ye. 

"  Why,  Johnny  Beedle,"  says  Mrs.  Bean, 
"  in  my  day  they  used  to  pack  us  layer  on 
layer." 

At  this  hint,  I  sneaked  round  to  Patty,  to 
begin  the  second  layer  on  her  lap.  But  the 
widow  was  wide  awake.  She  clenched  me 
by  the  collar,  and  patting  upon  Dolly's  knees 
— "  Here's  the  driver's  seat,"  says  she. 
"  Plant  your  feet  flat  and  firm,  niece — jump 
up  Johnny,  and  now,  away  with  her  my 
lad." 

By  this  time  I  had  got  so  ravin'  mad  that 
I  could  hold  in  no  longer.  I  fell  foul  of  the 
old  mare,  and  if  I  didn't  give  it  to  her  about 
right,  then  there's  none  o'  me,  that's  all. 
The  Deacon  counted  the  welts  on  her  side  a 


'      /% 


THE    SLEIGH    RIDE,  9 

week  afterwards,  when  he  called  on  me  for 
a  reckoning,  which  was  made  with  chalk 
upon  the  upper  flap  of  his  every  day  hat. 
Sukey  not  understanding  such  jokes,  took  the 
bit  in  her  teeth,  and  shot  off,  right  on  eend, 
like  a  streak  of  true  Connecticut  lightning. 
Jemini !  how  we  skimmed  over  it.  And 
the  houses,  and  barns,  and  the  fences,  and 
pig  styes,  flew  by  us  like  clouds  by  the  moon  : 
"  Yonder  is  Hank's  corner — Whoorah  !"  and 
"  Whoorah !"  answered  all  the  ladies  and 
gentlemen  with  one  voice.  Sukey,  scared 
with  the  noise,  turned  the  corner  with  a  flirt? 
and  the  sleigh  was  bottom  upwards  in  a 
- !  "  Whoa  there,  whoa  !  The  first  thing 
that  I  knew,  I  was  in  the  bottom  of  a  snow 
bank,  jammed  down  under  half  a  ton  of  Dolly 
Fisher  !  I  thought  I  never  should  see  day 
light  again,  and  when  they  hauled  me  out,  I 
left  a  print  in  the  snow  very  much  like  a 
cocked  up  hat  knocked  into  the  middle  of 
next  week,  as  the  sailors  say. 

Howsomever,  no  bones  were  broken.  We 
shook  our  feathers  and  crept  into  our  nest 
again  laughing  as  loud  as  the  best  of  them. 


10  THE    SLEIGH  RIDE. 

The  sleighs  were  now  formed  into  a  string, 
the  fiddler  following,  and  away  we  started  on 
the  road  to  Shaw's — bells  jingling,  fiddles 
sounding,  and  every  body  hallooing  and 
screaming  for  joy. 

Peter  Shaw  heard  the  racket  two  miles  off ; 
for  he  was  always  on  the  look  out  of  a  moon- 
shiny  night.  He  fell  to  kicking  up  a  dust  in 
the  best  room  to  put  it  to  rights,  and  when 
we  arrived,  the  floor  was  swept,  the  best 
japan  candlestick  paraded,  the  fire  place 
filled  with  green  wood,  and  little  Ben  was 
anchored  close  under  the  jamb,  to  tug  at  the 
broken  winded  bellows.  No  fire  appeared,  but 
there  were  strong  symptoms  of  it,  for  there 
was  no  lack  of  smoke  ;  and  part  of  it  missing 
the  way  up  chimney,  strayed  about  the  room, 
which  gave  me  a  chance  to  hit  off  another 
compliment  upon  Patty's  beauty,  as  being 
the  cause  of  drawing  the  smoke.  Every 
body  laughed  at  the  novelty  of  the  idea. 
But  there  was  no  time  for  chat.  As  soon  as 
we  had  taken  a  swig  of  the  hot  stuff  all 
around,  we  sat  the  fiddler  down  by  the  jamb, 
took  the  floor,  and  went  to  work,  might  and 


THE    SLEIGH    RIDE.  11 

main,  the  fiddler  keeping  time  with  the  bel- 
lowses.  Not  to  be  prolix,  we  kept  it  up 
frolicking  and  drinking  hot  stuff,  till  midnight, 
and  while  it  lasted,  the  fun  was  real  geniwine, 
I  tell  ye.  But  as  I  cast  a  sheep's  eye  at 
Patty,  I  took  a  notion  that  she  and  Siah 
Golding  were  rather  thick,  considerin'. 
Thinks  I,  she  wants  to  make  me  jealous,  to 
spur  me  on  ;  so  seeing  them  in  close  confab, 
as  I  was  cantering  down  outside,  I  poked  my 
head  between  them  and  cried  boo  !  But  the 
cat  was  soon  out  of  the  bag.  We  paid  the 
reckoning — four  and  sixpence  a  piece.  Think 
of  that.  Every  body  grumbled,  but  Peter 
Shaw  didn't  care.  Then  followed  the  crowd 
ing  of  sleighs,  taking  in  the  ladies  at  the  door, 
Such  a  hubbub  and  confusion  !  But  when  my 
turn  come,  lo  and  behold  !  Patty  Bean  was 
missing,  and  so  was  Si  Goldin  !  Here  is  the  end 
of  my  story ;  and  whoever  wants  to  know  the 
particulars  that  happened  on  the  ride  home, 
must  ask  Dolly  Fisher.  The  Deacon  will  tell 
you  what  a  pickle  Sukey  came  home  in,  and 
how  much  I  "  paid  for  the  whistle."  Finally, 
whoever  went  to  our  meeting-house  the  next 


12  COURTSHIP. 

Sunday  morning,  knows  very  well  how  Pat 
ty  Bean  and  Josiah  Golding  are  to  square 
accounts. 


COURTSHIP. 

After  my  sleigh  ride,  last  winter,  and  the 
slippery  trick  I  was  served  by  Patty  Bean, 
nobody  would  suspect  me  of  hankering  after 
the  women  again  in  a  hurry.  To  hear  me 
curse  and  swear  and  rail  out  against  the 
whole  feminine  gender,  you  would  have  taken 
it  for  granted  that  I  should  never  so  much  as 
look  at  one  again,  to  all  eternity — O,  but  I 
was  wicked.  "  Darn  and  blast  their  eyes- 
says  I. — Blame  their  skins — torment  their 
hearts  and  darn  them  to  darnation."  Finally 
I  took  an  oath  and  swore  that  if  I  ever  med 
dled  or  had  any  dealings  with  them  again, 
(in  the  sparking  line  I  mean)  I  wished  I  might 
be  hung  and  choaked. 

But  swearing  off  from  women,  and  then  go 
ing  into  a  meeting  house  chock  full  of  gals, 
all  shining  and  glittering  in  their  Sunday 
clothes  and  clean  faces,  is  like  swearing  off 


COURTSHIP.  13 

from  liquor  and  going  into  a  grog  shop.  It's 
all  smoke. 

I  held  out  and  kept  firm  my  to  oath  for  three 
whole  Sundays.  Forenoons,  a'ternoons  and 
intermissions  complete.  On  the  fourth,  there 
were  strong  symptoms  of  a  change  of  wea 
ther.  A  chap  about  my  size  was  seen  on 
the  way  to  the  meeting  house,  with  a  new 
patent  hat  on  his,  head  hung  by  the  ears 
upon  a  shirt  collar ;  his  cravat  had  a  pudding 
in  it  and  branched  out  in  front,  into  a  double- 
bow  knot.  He  carried  a  straight  back  and 
a  stiff  neck,  as  a  man  ought  to  when  he  has 
his  best  clothes  on  ;  and  every  time  he  spit, 
he  sprung  his  body  for  ward,  like  a  jack-knife, 
in  order  to  shoot  clear  of  the  ruffles. 

Squire  Jones's  pew  is  next  but  two  to 
mine :  and  when  I  stand  up  to  prayers  and 
take  my  coat  tail  under  my  arm,  and  turn 
my  back  to  the  minister,  I  naturally  look 
straight  at  Sally  Jones.  Now  Sally  has  got 
a  face  not  to  be  grinned  at  in  a  fog.  Indeed, 
as  regards  beauty,  some  folks  think  she  can 
pull  an  even  yoke  with  Patty  Bean.  For 
my  part,  I  think  there  is  not  much  boot  be- 


14  COURTSHIP. 

tween  them.  Any  how,  they  are  so  nigh 
matched  that  they  have  hated  and  despised 
each  other,  like  rank  poison,  ever  since  they 
were  school-girls. 

Squire  Jones  had  got  his  evening  fire  on, 
and  set  himself  down  to  reading  the  great 
bible,  when  he  heard  a  rap  at  his  door. — 
"  Walk  in.  Well,  John,  how  der  do  1  Git 
out,  Pompey.  Pretty  well,  I  thank  ye, 
Squire,  how  do  you  do  ?  Why,  so  as  to  be 
crawling — ye  ugly  beast,  will  ye  hold  yer 
yop — haul  up  a  chair  and  set  down,  John." 

"  How  do  you  do,  Mrs.  Jones  ?  O,  middlin, 
how's  yer  marm  ?  Don't  forget  the  mat, 
there,  Mr.  Beedle."  This  put  me  in  mind  that 
I  had  been  off  soundings  several  times,  in  the 
long,  muddy  lane  ;  and  my  boots  were  in  a 
sweet  pickle. 

It  was  now  old  Captain  Jones's  turn,  the 
grandfather.  Being  roused  from  a  doze,  by 
the  bustle  and  racket,  he  opened  his  eyes,  at 
first  with  wonder  and  astonishment.  At  last 
he  began  to  halloo  so  loud  that  you  might  hear 
him  a  mile ;  for  he  takes  it  for  granted  that 
every  body  is  just  exactly  as  deaf  as  he  is. 


COURTSHIP. 

"  Who  is  it  ?  I  say,  who  in  the  world  is  it  V1 
Mrs.  Jones  going  close  to  his  ear,  screamed 
out,  "  It's  Johnny  Beedle."  "  Ho— Johnny 
Beedle.  I  remember,  he  was  one  sumer  at  the 
siege  of  Boston."  "  No,  no,  father,  bless  your 
heart,  that  was  his  grandfather,  that's  been 
dead  and  gone  this  twenty  years."  "  Ho — but 
where  does  he  come  from  ?"  "  Down  town." 
"  Ho — And  what  does  he  follow  for  a  livin'  1" 
And  he  did  not  stop  asking  questions  after 
this  sort,  till  all  the  particulars  of  the  Beedle 
family  were  published  and  proclaimed  in 
Mrs.  Jones'  last  screech.  He  then  sunk  back 
into  a  doze  again. 

The  dog  stretched  himself  before  one  and 
iron  ;  the  cat  squat  down  before  the  other. 
Silence  came  on  by  degrees,  like  a  calm 
snow  storm  till  nothing  was  heard  but  a 
cricket  under  the  hearth,  keeping  tune  with 
a  sappy  yellow  birch  forestick.  Sally  sat 
up  prim  as  if  she  were  pinned  to  the  chair 
back  ;  her  hands  crossed  genteelly  upon  her 
lap,  and  her  eyes  looking  straight  into  the 
fire.  Mammy  Jones  tried  to  straighten  her 
self  too,  and  laid  her  hands  across  in  her  lap. 


16  COURTSHIP. 

But  they  would  not  lay  still.  It  was  full  twen 
ty-four  hours  since  they  had  done  any 
work,  and  they  were  out  of  all  patience  with 
keeping  Sunday.  Do  what  she  could  to  keep 
them  quiet,  they  would  bounce  up,  now  and 
then,  and  go  through  the  motions,  in  spite  of 
the  fourth  commandment.  For  my  part  I 
sat  looking  very  much  like  a  fool.  The  more 
I  tried  to  say  something  the  more  my  tongue 
stuck  fast.  I  put  my  right  leg  over  my  left 
and  said  "  hem."  Then  I  changed,  and  put 
the  left  over  the  right.  It  was  no  use ;  the 
silence  kept  coming  on  thicker  and  thicker. 
The  drops  of  sweat  began  to  crawl  over  me. 
I  got  my  eye  on  my  hat  hanging  on  a  peg, 
on  the  road  to  the  door.  At  this  moment  the 
old  Captin,  all  at  once,  sung  out,  "  Johnny 
Beedle !"  It  sounded  like  a  clap  of  thunder, 
and  I  started  right  up  an  eend.  "  Johnny 
Beedle,  you'll  never  handle  such  a  drumstick 
as  your  father  did,  if  you  live  to  the  age  of 
Mathusaler.  He  would  toss  up  his  drum 
stick,  and  while  it  was  whirlin'  in  the  air> 
take  off  a  gill  of  rum,  and  then  catch  it  as  it 
came  down,  without  losing  a  stroke  in  the 


COURTSHIP.  17 

tune.  What  d'ye  think  of  that,  ha  ?  But 
pull  your  chair  round,  close  along  side  er  me 
so  yer  can  hear.  Now,  what  have  you  come 
a'ter?  I — a'ter? — O,  jest  takin'  a  walk. 
Pleasant  walkin'  I  guess.  I  mean  jest  to  see 
how  ye  all  do.  Ho — That's  another  lie. 
You've  come  a  courtin',  Johnny  Beedle,  ye're 
a'ter  our  Sal. — Say,  now,  d'ye  want  to  marry 
or  only  to  court  ?" 

This  was  what  I  call  a  choaker.  Poor 
Sally  made  but  one  jump  and  landed  in  the 
middle  of  the  kitchen  :  and  then  she  skulked 
in  the  dark  corner,  till  the  old  man,  after 
laughing  himself  into  a  whooping  cough, 
was  put  to  bed. 

Then  came  apples  and  cider;  and  the  ice  be 
ing  broke,  plenty  of  chat  with  mammy  Jones 
about  the  minister  and  '  sarmon.'  I  agreed 
with  her  to  a  nicety,  upon  all  the  points  of  doc 
trine  ;  but  I  had  forgot  the  text  and  all  the 
heads  of  the  discourse,  but  six.  Then  she 
teazedand  tormented  me  to  tell  who  I  account 
ed  the  best  singer  in  the  gallery,  that  day.  But 
mum — there  was  no  getting  that  out  of  me — 
"Praise  to  the  face  is  often  disgrace,"  says  I, 
throwing  a  sly  squint  at  Sally, 


18  COURTSHIP. 

At  last  Mrs.  Jones  lighted  t'other  candle, 
and  after  charging  Sally  to  look  well  to  the 
fire,  she  led  the  way  to  bed,  and  the  Squire 
gathered  up  his  shoes  and  stockings  and 
followed. 

Sally  and  I  were  left  sitting  a  good  yard 
apart,  honest  measure.  For  fear  of  getting 
tongue-tied  again,  I  set  right  in  with  a  steady 
stream  of  talk.  I  told  her  all  the  particulars 
about  the  weather  that  was  past,  and  also 
made  some  pretty  cute  guesses  at  what  it 
was  like  to  be  in  future.  At  first,  I  gave  a 
hitch  up  with  my  chair  at  every  full  stop. 
Then  growing  saucy,  I  repeated  it  at  every 
comma,  and  semicolon,  and  at  last,  it  was 
hitch,  hitch,  hitch,  and  I  planted  myself  fast 
by  the  side  of  her. 

"  Iswow,  Sally,  you  looked  so  plaguey  hand 
some  to  day,  that  I  wanted  to  eat  you  up" — 
"  Pshaw,  get  along  you,"  says  she.  My  hand 
had  crept  along,  somehow,  upon  its  fingers 
and  begun  to  scrape  acquaintance  with  hers. 
She  sent  it  home  again  with  a  desperate  jerk. 
"  Try  it  again"— no  better  luck.  "  Why  Miss 
Jones,  you're  getting'  upstropulous,  a  little  old 


COURTSHIP.  19 

maidish,  I  guess."    "  Hands  off  is  fair  play,  Mr. 
Beedle." 

It  is  a  good  sign  to  find  a  girl  sulky.  I  knew 
where  the  shoe  pinched.  It  was  that  are 
Patty  Bean  business.  So  I  went  to  work  to 
persuade  her  that  I  had  never  had  any  notion 
after  Patty,  and  to  prove  it,  I  fell  to  running 
her  down  to  a  great  rate.  Sally  could 
not  help  chiming  in  with  me,  and  I  rather 
guess  Miss  Patty  suffered  a  few.  I  now  not 
only  got  hold  of  her  hand  without  opposition, 
but  managed  to  slip  an  arm  round  her  waist, 
But  there  was  no  satisfying  me ;  so  I  must 
go  poking  out  my  lips  after  a  buss.  I  guess 
I  rued  it.  She  feched  me  a  slap  in  the  face 
that  made  me  see  stars,  and  my  ears  rung 
like  a  brass  kettle  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour. 
I  was  forced  to  laugh  at  the  joke,  though  out 
of  the  wrong  side  of  my  mouth,  which  gave 
my  face  something  the  look  of  a  gridiron. 

The  battle  now  began  in  the  regular  way. 
"  Ah,  Sally  give  me  a  kiss,  ha'  done  with  it, 
now.  I  won't  so  there,  nor  tetch  to.  I'll 
take  it  whether  or  no.  Do  it  if  you  dare." — 
And  at  it  we  went,  rough  and  tumble.  An 


20  COURTSHIP. 

odd  destruction  of  starch  commenced.  The 
bow  of  my  cravat  was  squat  up  in  half  a 
shake.  At  the  last  bout  smash  went  shirt 
collars  and,  at  the  same  time,  some  of  the 
head  fastenings  gave  way,  and  down  come 
Sally's  hair  in  a  flood  like  a  mill  darn  broke 
loose,  carrying  away  half  a  dozen  combs. 
One  dig  of  Sally's  elbow,  and  my  blooming 
ruffles  wilted  down  into  a  dish-cloth.  But 
she  had  no  time  to  boast. — Soon  her  neck 
tackling  began  to  shiver.  It  parted  at  the 
throat,  and,  whorrah,  came  a  whole  school 
of  blue  and  white  beads,  scampering  and 
running  races  every  which  way,  about  the 
floor. 

By  the  Hokey ;  if  Sally  Jones  is'nt  real 
grit,  then  there's  no  snakes.  She  fought  fair, 
however,  I  must  own,  and  neither  tried  to 
bite  nor  scratch ;  and  when  she  could  fight 
no  longer,  for  want  of  breath,  she  yielded 
handsomely. 

Consarn  it,  how  a  buss  will  crack,  of  a 
still  frosty  night.  Mrs.  Jones  was  about  half 
way  between  asleep  and  awake.  "  There 
goes  my  yeast  bottle,  says  she  to  herself — 


MARRIAGE.  21 

burst  into  twenty  hundred  pieces,  and  my 
bread  is  dough  again." 

The  upshot  of  the  matter  is,  I  fell  in  love 
with  Sally  Jones,  head  over  ears.  Every 
Sunday  night,  rain  or  shine,  finds  me  rapping 
at  Squire  Jones'  door,  and  twenty  times  have 
I  been  within  a  hair's  breadth  of  popping  the 
question.  But  now  I  have  made  a  final 
resolve;  and  if  I  live  till  next  Sunday  night, 
and  I  don't  get  ohoaked  in  the  trial,  Sally 
Jones  will  hear  thunder. 


THE  MARRIAGE  OF  MISTER  JOHN 
BEEDLE. 

WHEN  I  left  off  my  second  Chapter,  I  be 
lieve  I  was  spunking  up  to  Sally  Jones  like 
all  vengeance,  and  threatening  to  give  her 
the  butt  end  of  my  sentiments ;  was'nt  1 1 
Well,  I  was  as  good  as  my  word.  The  next 
Sabbaday,  I  went  right  to  work,  after  meeting, 
upon  the  outer  man,  as  Deacon  Carpenter 
says,  and  by  sundown,  things  looked  about 
right.  I  say  nothing  ;  but  when  I  stood  up 


22  MARRIAGE. 

to  the  glass,  to  finish,  and  sort  of  titivate  the 
hair  and  whiskers  and  so  forth, — I  saw  a 
little  fellow  there  that  looked  wicked.  And 
says  I,  if  Sally  Jones  knows  which  side  her 

bread  is  buttered But  no  matter ;  she 

shan't  say  I  didn't  give  her  a  chance. 

Well,  I  went  over  to  the  Squire's  pretty 
well  satisfied  in  my  mind ;  so  after  fluttering 
and  crowing  about  her,  a  little  while,  I  up 
and  shew  the  cloven  foot. — 'Sally,7  said  I, 
1  will  you  take  me  for  better  or  worser  ?' 

This  put  her  to  considering ;  and  I  gave  a 
flourish  about  the  room,  and  cut  a  curly-cue, 
with  my  right  foot.  As  much  as  to  say, — 
take  your  time. 

At  last,  says  she,  ( I'd  as  liv's  have  you  as 
any  body  in  the  world,  John,  but — I  declare 
—I  can't/ 

1  You  can't  ha ;  and  why  V 

1  Cause.' 

<  Cause  what?' 

'  'Cause  I  cant, — and  that's  enough.  I 
would  in  a  minute,  John,  but  for  only  one 
reason  ; — and  that  I  am  afeard  to  tell  ye.' 

'  Poh,  poh,'  says   I,  « dont  be   bashful ;  if 


MARRIAGE.  23 

there's  only  one  stump  in  the  way,  I  guess 
here's  a  fellow ' 

( Well,  then,  look  tother  way,  John,  I  can't 
speak  if  you  look  at  me.' 

1 0  yes — there,  now's  your  time  says  I  with 
a  flirt.1 

1  The  reason  is — Joe  Bowers  the  stage-dri 
ver. — Now,  you  shan't  tell  nobody,  John, 
will  ye?, 

Who  would  have  thought  this  of  Sally 
Jones ! 

It  seemed  to  me  the  very  old  Boy  had  got 
into  the  women.  They  fairly  put  me  to  the 
nonplush.  All  this  time,  my  popularity  with 
the  ladies  was  amazing.  To  see  them  flat 
tering  and  soft  soaping  me  all  over,  you 
would  have  sworn  I  had  nothing  to  do  but 
to  pick  and  choose.  I  had  as  much  gallant 
ing  to  do  as  I  wanted,  every  where ;  and  for 
politeness  and  gentility  I  never  turned  my 
back  to  no  man.  Then,  they  were  so  thick 
and  familiar  with  me,  that  they  did'nt  care 
what  they  said  or  did  before  me  :  and  finally, 
whenever  they  had  any  errands  or  chores  to 
do — who  but  I  was  the  favorite  bird  to  fetch 


24  MARRIAGE. 

and  carry?  I  was  forever  and  ever  racing 
and  cantering  from  post  to  pillar,  to  do  their 
biddings.  Rain  or  shine,  snow  or  mud;  no 
thing  stopped  me :  and  I  may  say,  I  fairly 
earned  their  smiles  by  the  sweat  of  my  brow. 
Then  it  was,  <  O  Mr.  Beedle  !  What  should 
we  do  without  Mr.  Beedle?'  But  when  I 
caught  one  alone,  and  began  to  touch  on  the 
matrimonial  sentiments,  then  how  quick 
the  tune  was  changed !  O  the  ways  of  the 
women  are  curious. 

Patty  Bean  was  not  the  first  that  I  run 
against  by  a  long  shot.  I  never  lost  any 
thing  for  want  of  asking ;  and  I  was  plaguy 
apt  to  begin  to  talk  turkey  always  whenl  got 
sociable,  if  it  was  only  out  of  politeness.  Now 
then  one  would  promise,  and  then  fly  off  at 
the  handle;  but  most  all  contrived  some 
reason  or  other  for  giving  me  the  bag  to  hold. 
One  had  taken  a  firm  resolve  never  to  marry 

no,  never,  never !  and  the  next  Sunday 

morning  she  was  published. — Another  chicken 
thought  she  was  a  great  deal  too  young  to  un 
derstand  to  manage  a  family.  At  last  I  took 
a  great  shine  to  the  school-marm,  Huldah 


MARRIAGE.  25 

Hossam ;  though  she  was  ten  years  older 
than  I,  and  taller  by  half  a  yard  of  neck  ;  and 
when  I  offered  her  heart  and  hand,  she  fixed 
up  her  mouth,  and  says  she, l  I've  great  respect 

and  esteem  for  you,  Mr.  Beedle,  but ' 

and  so  forth.  Nothing  will  cool  a  man  down 
quicker  than  (  respect  and  esteem,'  unless  it 
is  a  wet  blanket.  But  let  Huldah  alone  ; — 
she  had  her  eye  upon  Deacon  Cajpenter  all 
the  while. 

Well,  as  I  was  going  moping  along  home, 
fr«ni  Squire  Jones's,  I  fell  in  with  Doctor 
Dingley.  The  Doctor  saw,  in  a  minute,  that 
something  was  the  matter,  and  he  went  to 
work  and  pumped  the  whole  secret  out  of 
me.  Then  he  seemed  so  friendly,  that  I  up 
and  told  him  all  my  experience  from  begin 
ning  to  end. 

"  Well,  John,'  says  he,  1 1  advise  you  now, 
to  wrait  till  the  twenty-ninth  of  February  • 
when  the  gals  turn  round  and  court  the  fel 
lows.  It's  none  of  my  business,  but.  if  I  was 
you,  I  would'nt  let  the  women  make  a  fool 
of  me,  any  more." 

Well,  I  took  a  resolution,  and  stuck  to  it 
3 


26  MARRIAGE. 

firm,  for  when  I  once  set  up  my  ebenezer,  I 
am  just  like  a  mountain.  I  stuck  to  it  till 
along  pretty  well  into  January,  when  I  had  to 
go  to  singing  school.  I  must  go  to  singing 
school,  for  I  was  leader  in  the  treble,  and  there 
was  no  carrying  on  the  parts  without  me.  But 
that  was  nothing,  if  it  had'nt  fell  to  my  lot  to 
go  home  with  Hannah  Peabody,  four  times 
runnin.  Politeness  before  every  thing.  Well, 
she  kept  growing  prettier  and  prettier  every 
time,  but  I  only  grit  my  teeth  and  held  on 
the  harder. 

By  and  by,  Sabbath  night  came  round,  and 
I  felt  sort  of  uneasy,  moping  about  home ; 
and  says  J,  this  resolution  will  never  set 
well  upon  my  stemach  without  air  and  exer 
cise  ;  and  before  I  was  done  thinking  of  this, 
I  was  more  than  half  way  to  Captain  Pea- 
body's.  It  was  about  daylight  down,  as  I 
wras  passing  by  the  kitchen;  but  hearing  a 
sort  of  snickering,  I  slipped  up  and  peeked 
into  the  window,  just  out  of  curiosity. 

There  was  no  candle  burning — for  Mrs. 
Peabody  is  saving  of  tallow — but  I  could 
see  Hannah  and  Pol  Partridge,  the  help, 
telling  fortunes  in  the  ashes,  by  firelight.  I 


MARRIAGE.  27 

turned  round  to  go  off,  and  run  right  agin 
Jack  Robinson.  Jack  was  come  to  set  up 
with  the  help,  and  would  insist  upon  it,  I 
should  go  in  and  see  Hannah.  '  She  has'nt 
had  a  spark  this  mouth,'  says  he, '  and  in  you 
shall  go,  or  I'll  lick  ye.' 

Well,  there  was  no  dodging  here,  and  all 
I  had  to  do  was  to  grin  and  bear  it.  So  in  I 
went;  and  once  in,  good  by  to  resolution.  The 
short  and  the  long  of  it  is,  I  was  soon  as  deep 
in  the  mud  as  I  had  been  in  the  mire.  But  I 
had  another  guess  chap  than  Sally  Jones  to 
deal  with  now.  And  here  was  the  difference 
between  them.  Where  you  got  a  slap  in  the 
chops  from  Sal, — Hannah  kept  ye  off  with  a 
scowl  and  a  cock  up  of  the  nose.  And 
Madam  could'nt  bear  handling.  With  her,  it 
was  "  Talk  is  talk,  but  hands  off,  Mister." 

But  I  rather  guess  I  had  cut  my  eye  teeth 
by  this  time.  If  I  had'nt  learnt  something 
about  the  nature  of  women,  the  kicks  I  had 
taken  from  all  quarters  fell  upon  barren 
ground.  There  is  no  way  of  dealing  with 
them  but  to  coax  and  flatter ;  you  gain  no 
thing,  let  me  tell  ye,  by  saving  of  soft  soap ; 


28  MARRIAGE. 

and  you  must  be  sly  about  it.  It  is  no  way 
to  catch  a  wicked  devil  of  a  colt,  in  a  pasture, 
to  march  right  up,  bridle  in  hand  ;  you  must 
sort  of  sidle  along  as  if  you  was  going  past, 
and  whistle,  and  pretend  to  be  looking  'tother 
way  ;  and  so,  round  and  round,  till  at  last, 
you  corner  him  up ;  then  jump  and  clinch 
him  by  the  fore  lock.  O,  I'm  not  so  great  a 
fool  as  I  might  be. 

But  it  was  a  long  tedious  business,  before 
Hannah  and  I  could  come  to  any  sort  of  an 
understanding.  There  was  old  Captain  Pea- 
body  was  a  stump  in  my  way.  lie  was  a 
man  who  had  no  regard  for  politeness  ;  he 
travelled  rough  shod,  through  the  town,  car 
rying  a  high  head  and  a  stiff  upper  lip;  as 
much  as  to  say,  "  I  owes  nobody  nothing, 
He  had  been  a  skipper  and  sailed  his  schoon 
er  all  along  shore,  till  he  got  forehanded, 
then  went  back  up  country  and  set  down 
farming.  But  I  never  knuckle  to  man  if  he's 
as  big  as  all  out  doors.  And  after  he  poked 
his  fist  in  my  face,  one  'lection,  we  never 
hitched  horses  together. 

Well,  as  I  was  afraid  to  go  to  the  house, 


MARRIAGE.  29 

and  court  Hannah  in  the  regular  way,  I  had 
to  carry  on  the  war  just  when  and  where  I 
could;  sometimes  of  a  dark  night,  I  could 
steal  into  the  kitchen.  But  my  safest  plan 
was,  to  track  her  to  the  neighbors'  houses, 
where  she  went  to  spend  evenings ;  skulk 
about  till  she  started  home,  then  waylay  her 
on  the  road.  Pretty  poor  chance  this,  you'll 
say.  But  as  if  this  was'nt  enough,  Hannah 
herself  must  join  in  to  plague  me  half  to 
death. 

Ye  see,  I  wanted  to  let  her  know  what  I 
was  arter  in  a  sort  of  a  delicate  underhand 
way,  and  keep  myself  on  the  safe  side  of  the 
fence,  all  the  time,  if  there  was  to  be  any 
kicking.  But  Hannah  had  no  notion  of  rid 
dles  :  she  would  not  understand  any  thing 
short  of  plain  English.  I  hinted  plaguy  sus 
picious  about  l  true  love'  and  (  Cupid's  darts7 
and  all  that.  Then  I  would  heave  a  long 
sigh,  and  say4  what  does  that  mean  Hannah  T 
But  no ;  she  could'nt  see,  poor  soul ;  she 
looked  as  simple  and  innocent  all  the  while, 
as  if  butter  would'nt  melt  in  her  mouth. 

She  was  plaguy  close,  too,  as  to  her  goings 
3* 


30 


MARRIAGE. 


and  comings ;  and  if  she  happened  any 
time  by  accident,  to  let  drop  the  least  word, 
that  shovv'd  me  where  to  find  her  next  time, 
she  was  so  rnad  with  herself  that  she  was 
ready  to  bite  her  tongue  off. 

One  day  she  was  going  to  her  Aunt  Mol 
ly's  to  spend  the  evening,  and  she  went  all 
the  way  round  to  Doctor  Dingley  to  tell  Mrs. 
Dingley  not  to  tell  me.  cFcr,'  says  she,  'I 
don't  want  him  to  be  dogging  me  about  every 
where.' — Well,  Mrs.  Dingley,  she  promised 
to  keep  dark,  but  she  told  the  Doctor,  and 
what  does  the  Doctor  do,  but  comes  right 
straight  over  and  tells  me.  l  Gone  all  stark 
alone,'  says  he,  '  but  its  none  of  my  business.' 

This  is  the  day  that  I  have  marked  with 
a  piece  of  chalk.  Hardly  was  daylight 
down,  before  I  was  snug  in  my  skulking  nest, 
in  Aunt  Molly's  barn.  It  was  on  the  hay 
mow,  where  there  was  a  knot  hole  handy, 
to  look  through  and  see  all  that  went  in  or 
out  of  the  house.  I  had  a  scheme  in  my  head 
that  Hannah  little  dreamt  of;  and  I  lay 
and  thought  it  over,  till  she  came  out ;  and 
when  I  got  her  under  my  arm  and  walking 


MARRIAGE.  31 

down  the  lane,  thinks  I,  I'll  set  the  stone  a 
rolling  any  how,  let  it  stop  where  it  will. 

So  I  set  in  to  talking  about  this  and  that 
and  t'other  thing,  and  happened  (by  mere 
chance  ye  know)  to  mention  our  old  Hatter 
Shop,  that  stands  at  the  corner,  that  my 
father  used  to  work  in,  when  he  was  alive. 
And  says  I,  (  speaking  of  the  old  shop,  it  al 
ways  puts  me  in  mind  of  you  Hannah.' 

1  Of  me,  John  V  says  she—4  why  V 

1  O,  it's  just  the  thing  for  a  store,1  says  I. 

i  Well—' 

1  Sweep  out  the  dirt,  and  old  hat  parings 
and  truck — ' 

<  Well—' 

1  Take  the  sign,  rub  out  l  Hatter'  and  put 
in  '  Merchant'  and  that  spells  <  John  Beedle, 
Merchant — * 

1  Well,  John—7 

1  Then  get  rum,  and  molasses,  and  salt 
fish,  and  ribbons  and  calicoes — ' 

<O,'  says  she,  '  it's  my  new  calico  gown 
you  was  a  thinking  of— isn't  it  pretty? 

1  O  '  says  I7  '  'tis  a  sweet  pretty  gownd/ 
says  I.  (  But the  upshot  of  the  matter 


32  MARRIAGE. 

is,  Hannah, 1  have  finally  concluded  tc 

set  up   store   and  get  married,  and   settle 
myself  down  as  a  merchant  for  life — ' 

At  this,  Hannah  hung  down  her  head  and 
gave  a  snicker  '  And  how  does  that  put  you 
in  mind  of  me,  John  V  says  she. 

I  Guess.' 

I 1  won't  guess,  nor  touch  to,  so  there,  now 
— I  never — !' 

What  I  said  and  what  she  said,  next,  is 
all  lost,  for  I'll  treat  if  I  can  remember.  It 
is  all  buz,  buz  in  my  head,  like  a  dream. 
The  first  thing  I  knew,  \ve  were  right  against 
Capt.  Peabody's  barn,  walking  as  close  to 
gether  as  we  could  with  comfort,  and  our 
arms  round  each  other's  waist.  Hannah's 
tongue  had  got  thaw'd  out,  and  was  running 
like  a  brook  in  a  freshet,  and  all  one  steady 
stream  of  honey.  I  vow,  I  was  ready  to 
jump  out  of  my  skin  ! 

It  was  a  mile  and  a  half  good,  from  Aunt 
Molly's  to  Capt.  Peabody's,  and  I  thought  we 
had  been  about  a  minute  on  the  road.  So 
says  I,  '  Hannah,  let's  go  set  down  under  the 
great  apple  tree  and  have  a  little  chat,  just 


MARRIAGE.  33 

to  taper  offthe  evening.'  We  now  sat  down  and 
began  to  talk  sensible.  We  settled  all  the 
predicaments  of  the  nuptial  ceremony,  and 
then  talked  over  the  store,  till  we  thought  we 
saw  ourselves  behind  the  counter;  I  weigh 
ing  and  measuring  and  dickering  and  deal 
ing  out,  and  she  at  the  desk,  pen  in  hand, 
figuring  up  the  accounts.  l  And  mind,  John,' 
says  she,  'I'm  not  a  going  to  trust  everybody 
at  the  corner  I  tell  ye.'  But  just  as  we  were 
beginning  to  get  sociable,  as  I  thought,  Han 
nah  looks  up,  and  says  she,  l  what  can  that 
are  great  red  streak  be,  in  the  sky,  away 
down  there  beyond  Saccarap  V  l  I  rather 
guess,'  says  I, l  it  is  a  fire  in  the  woods.'  l  Fire 
in  the  woods  !  I'll  be  skinned  if  it  isn't  day 
light  a  coining.  Quick,  John,  help  me  into 
the  window,  before  father  is  a  stirring  or  here'll 
be  a  pretty  how  d'ye  do.' 

The  next  job  was  to  tell  the  news  to  Capt. 
Peabody.  Hannah  had  settled  it  that  she 
should  speak  to  her  mother,  and  said  she  could 
manage  her  well  enough,  and  it  was  my  busi 
ness  to  ask  her  father.  This  was  a  thing 
easier  said  than  done.  It  stuck  in  my  crop 


34  MARRIAGE. 

for  days,  like  a  raw  onion.  I  tried  to  persuade 
Hannah  to  marry  first  and  ask  afterwards. 
Says  I,  you  are  twenty-one,  and  free,  accord 
ing  to  law.  But  she  wouldn't  hear  of  it. 
She  had  no  notion  of  doing  any  thing  clandes 
tinely.  Then  I  asked  Dr.  Dingley  to  go  and 
break  the  ice  for  me.  But  no  :  he  would  not 
meddle  with  other  folks  business — he  made  it 
a  point. 

Well,  says  I,  if  I  have  got  to  come  to  the 
scratch,  the  less  I  consider  on  it  the  better.. 
So,  one  stormy  day,  I  put  my  head  down 
against  a  Northeaster,  and  set  my  feet  agoing, 
and  the  next  thing,  I  was  standing  right  be 
fore  Capt.  Peabody.  He  was  in  his  grain- 
house  shelling  corn  ;  sitting  on  a  tub,  with 
an  old  frying-pan  stuck  through  the  han 
dles.  And  he  made  the  cobs  fly  every  which 
way,  hit  or  miss,  he  didn't  care.  But  it 
tickled  him  so  to  see  me  dodge  'em  that  he 
got  into  uncommon  good  humour. 

'Well,  Johnny  Beedle,  what  has  brought 
you  up  here,  right  into  the  wind's  eye  this 
morning? 

1  Why  Cap'n  I  have  got  an  idee  in  my  head.' 


MARRIAGE.  35 

'  No !     How  you  talk  !' 

*  Ye  see — the  upshot  of  the  matter  is,  I've 
a  notion  of  setting  up   store,  and    getting   a 
wifej  and   settling   myself    down  as   a  mer 
chant.' 

1  Whoorah,  John,  there's  two  ideas  !  a  store 
and  a  wife.' 

1  But  I  want  a  little  of  your  help,'  says  I. 

*  Well,  John,'  says  he,  l  I'll  do  the  handsome 
thing  by  ye.     If  you  keep  better  goods  than 
any  body  else,  and  sell  cheaper,  you  shall 
have  my  custom,    and   welcome — provided 
you'll  take  pay  in  sauce  and  things.     Isn't 
that  fair  V 

1  Oh  yes,  Cap'ri.7 

'  And  I  wish  you  success  on  the  other  tack. 
No  fear  of  that,  I'll  warrant.  There's  lots 
of  silly  gals  afloat,  and  such  a  fine  taunt-rig 
ged  gentleman  as  you  are,  can  run  one  down 
in  no  time.7 

1 0  yes  Cap'n ;  I  have  run  down  Hannah, 
already.' 

1  My  Hannah  V 

1  O  yes,  Cap'n ;  we  have  agreed,  and  only 
want  your  consent. 


36  MARRIAGE. 

With  this,  the  old  Captain  riz  right  up  an 
eend,  upset  tub  and  frying-pan,  and  pointed, 
with  a  great  red  ear  of  corn  in  his  hand,  to 
wards  the  door  without  saying  a  word.  But 
his  eyes  rolled  like  all  creation  ! 

This  raised  my  blood,  and  I  felt  so  stuffy 
that  I  marched  right  straight  off,  and  never 
turned  my  head  to  the  right  or  left,  till  I  was 
fairly  home  and  housed. 

Well,  now,  says  I,  my  apple  cart  is  upset 
in  good  earnest.  And  when  I  went  to  Dr. 
Dingley  for  comfort,  says  he,  (  John,  I  wash 
my  hands  of  this  whole  affair,  from  beginning 
to  end.  I  must  support  my  character.  I  am 
a  settled  Doctor  in  the  town;  and  the  char 
acter  of  a  Doctor,  John,  is  too  delicate  a  flower 
to  go  poking  around  and  dabbling  into  every 
body's  mess.  Then  says  he,  Mrs.  Dingley,  I 
warn  you  not  to  meddle  nor  make  in  this 
business.  Let  every  body  skin  their  own 
eels.}  c  Hold  your  tongue,  you  fool  you,  says 
she — did  ye  ever  hear  of  me  burning  my  fin 
gers'?' 

Howsomever,  there  was  underhand  work 
carried  on,  somewhere  and  by  somebody. 


MARRIAGE.  37 

I  dont  tell  tales  out  of  school.  I  had  no  hand 
in  it,  till  one  day,  Dr  Dingley,  says  he, £  John 
if  you  happen  to  be  wanting  my  horse  and 
shay,  this  afternoon,  about  three  o'clock,  go 
and  take  it.  I  never  refuse  to  lend,  you 
know.  And  I  hope  Capt.  Peabody  will  gain 
his  lawsuit  with  Deacon  Carpenter,  that  he 
has  gone  down  to  Portland  to  see  to.  But 
that's  none  of  my  business.' 

Somebody,  too — I  dont  say  who — told  me 
there  was  a  certain  Squire  Darling,  living  in 
a  certain  town,  about  ten  miles  off,  that  did 
business  and  asked  no  questions.  Well,  in 
this  said  town,  just  after  sundown,  a  young 
man  named  Joseph  Morey  was  walking  near 
the  Meetinhouse,  with  a  sort  of  a  cream 
colored  book  under  his  arm,  and  he  heard 
something  in  the  woods,  this  side,  that,  if  it 
wasn't  a  Hurrycane,  he'd  give  up  guessing. 
Such  a  crackling  and  squeaking  and  rattling 
— such  a  thrashing  and  grunting  and  snorting ! 
you  never  !  He  stopped  and  looked  back,  and 
all  soon  came  to  light.  There  was  an  old 
white  faced  horse  came  scrabbling  along  out 
of  the  woods,  reekinging  and  foaming,  with 

4 


38  MARRIAGE. 

an  old  wooden  top  shay  at  his  tail,  and  a 
chap  about  my  size  flourishing  a  small  bean 
pole  pretty  wull  broomed  up  at  the  end.  And 
says  I,  '  Mister,  can  ye  tell  me  where  one 
Squire  Darling  lives  V 

1  Which  Squire  Darling ;'  says  he,  '  there's 
two  of  the  name.' 

1  His  name  is  John,'  says  I. 

1  Faith,'  says  he, '  they  are  both  Johns,  too, 
but  one  is  a  lawyer  and  tother  a  cooper.' 

'  O  then,  it  must  be  the  lawyer  I  want, 
says  I.' 

With  this,  the  young  man  gave  a  squint  at 
Hannah  and  a  wink  at  me ;  and  '  come  along,' 
says  he, 1 1  am  going  right  there  now,  and  I'll 
shew  ye  the  Squire,  and  fix  things  for  ye.' 

'  Hannah,'  says  I,  c  this  is  lucky.' 

Well  he  carried  us  into  a  small  one  story 
house,  a  little  farther  on,  full  of  books  and 
papers  and  dust ;  and  smelling  strong  of  old 
dead  tobacco  smoke.  Here  we  sat  down 
while  he  went  about  our  business.  We 
waited  and  waited  till  long  after  dark,  and 
were  glad  enough  to  see  him  come  back  at 
last  with  a  candle.  '  The  Squire  is  very  sick,' 


MARRIAGE.  39 

says  he, '  but  I  have  over  persuaded  him.1 
And  the  next  minute  the  Squire  came  grunt 
ing  along  in,  all  muffled  up  in  a  great  coat 
and  spectacles  on,  and  a  great  tall  woman 
with  him  to  witness  for  the  bride. 

Well,  he  went  to  work  and  married  us,  and 
followed  up  with  a  right  down  sensible  ser 
mon,  about l  multiplying  and  increasing  on 
the  earth' — and  I  never  felt  so  solemn  and 
serious.  Then  followed  kissing  the  bride  all 
round ;  then  the  certificates,  and  then  I  gave 
him  two  silver  dollars,  and  we  got  into  the 
shay  again  and  off. 

After  this,  nothing  happened  to  speak  of, 
for  about  a  month.  Every  thing  was  kept  snug 
and  Capt.  Peabody  had  no  suspicions.  But 
one  morning,  at  break  of  day,  as  I  was 
creeping  softly  down  Capt.  Peabody's  back 
stairs,  with  my  shoes  in  my  hand  as  usual, 
I  trod  into  a  tub  of  water,  standing  on  the 
third  step  from  the  bottom,  and  down  I  came 
slam  bang.  The  Capt.  was  going  to  kill  his 
hogs,  and  had  got  up  betimes,  put  his  water 
on  to  heat,  and  was  whetting  his  butcher  knife 
in  the  kitchen. 


40 


MARRIAGE. 


The  first  thing  I  saw,  when  I  looked  up, 
there  -stood  Capt.  Peabody,  with  a  great 
butcher  knife  in  his  hand,  looking  down  upon 
me  like  a  thunder  cloud  !  I  want  to  know  if 
I  didn't  feel  streaked!  He  clinched  me  by  the 
collar  and  stood  me  up,  and  then  raised  his 
knife  over  me  as  high  as  he  could  reach.  I 
thought  my  last  minute  was  come.  Blood 
would  have  been  shed,  as  sure  as  rates,  if  it 
hadn't  been  for  Mrs.  Peabody.  She  stepped 
up  behind  and  laid  hold  of  his  arm  ;  and  says 
she, — l  it's  no  matter2  Mr.  Peabody,  they  are 
married.' 

1  Married  to  that  puppy  !'  roared  the  Capt. 

'  Yes  sir,'  says  I,  l  and  here's  the  certifi 
cate.'  And  I  pulled  it  out  of  my  jacket  pock 
et,  and  gave  it  to  him.  But  I  didn't  stay  for 
any  more  ceremony  ;  as  soon  as  I  felt  his  gripe 
loosen  a  little,  I  slid  off  like  an  eel,  and  back 
ed  out-doors, — and  made  tracks  home  about 
as  fast  as  I  could  leg  it.  But  there  was 
to  be  no  peace  for  me  this  day.  I  was  in 
a  constant  worry  and  stew  all  the  forenoon, 
for  fear  the  Captain  would  do  something  rash, 
and  I  could  neither  sit  nor  stand  still,  eat, 
drink  or  think. 


MARRIAGE. 


41 


About  the  middle  of  the  afternoon,  Dr. 
Dingley  came  bouncing  in,  out  of  breath,  and 
says  he — l  John  you  have  been  cheated  and 
bamboozled.  Your  marriage  ain't  worth 
that.  It  was  all  a  contrivance  of  Jack  Dar 
ling  the  Lawyer,  and  his  two  imps,  Joe  Mo- 
rey  and  Peter  Scamp.7  This  was  all  he  could 
say  till  he  had  wiped  his  face  and  taken  a 
swig  of  cider  to  recover  his  wind  :  and  then  he 
gave  me  the  particulars. 

When  Capt.  Peabody  had  read  my  certifi 
cate,  he  could  not  rest ;  but  tackled  up  and 
drove  right  down  to  let  off  his  fury  upon 
his  old  friend  Squire  Darling.  The  moment 
he  got  sight  of  of  the  squire,  he  turned  to,  and 
called  him  all  the  loud  names,  he  could 
lay  his  tongne  to,  for  half  an  hour.  The 
Captain  downed  the  certificates,  and  says  he, 
'  there's  black  and  white  against  ye,  you 
bloody  old  sculpen,' 

The  squire  knew  the  hand  writeing  was  his 
nephew's  as  soon  as  he  saw  it,  and  the  truth 
was  brought  to  light.  But,  as  the  storm  fell 
in  one  quarter,  it  rose  from  the  other. — Squire 
Darling  had  smelt  tar  in  his  day,  and  hadn't 


42  MARRIAGE. 

forgot  how  to  box  the  compass ;  and  as  soon 
as  the  saddle  was  on  the  right  horse,  he  set 
in  and  giv  the  Captain  his  own  back  agin  ; 
and  let  him  have  it  about  Nor-Nor- West,  right 
in  his  teeth,  till  he  was  fairly  blown  out.  They 
shook  hands  then,  and  seeing  Hannah  and  I 
had  got  under  weigh  together,  they  said  we 
must  go  the  voyage,  and  no  time  must  be 
lost  in  making  all  fast  in  the  lashings,  with  a 
good  fine  square  knot  before  change  of  wea 
ther.  So  the  Squire  slicked  up  a  little,  got  in 
to  the  shay  and  came  home  with  the  Captain, 
to  hold  the  wedding  that  very  night. 

How  Dr.  Dingley  happened  to  be  in  town, 
just  at  the  nick  of  time,  I  don't  know.  It 
was  his  luck ;  and  as  soon  as  he  saw  which 
way  the  wind  was,  he  licked  up  and  canter 
ed  home  in  a  hurry.  After  he  had  got  through 
with  the  particulars,  says  he,  £  now  Mr.  Bee- 
die,  its  none  of  my  business,  but  if  I  had  such 
a  hitch  upon  Capt.  Peabody,  I  would  hang 
back  lik'e  a  stone  drag,  till  he  agreed  to  back 
my  note  for  two  hundred  dollars  in  the  Port 
land  Bank,  to  buy  goods  with,  enough  to  set 
you  up  in  the  store. 


MARRIAGE.  43 

I  thought  strong  on  this  idee,  as  I  was  go 
ing  over  to  Capt.  Peabody's.  But  the  moment 
I  shew  the  least  symptoms  of  backing,  such  a 
storm  was  raised  as  never  was  seen.  Father 
and  mother  in  law  and  Squire  Darling,  set  up 
such  a  yell  all  together,  and  poor  Hannah,  she 
sat  down  and  cried.  My  heart  failed  me, 
and  I  made  haste  to  give  in  and  plead  sorry 
as  quick  as  possible  ;  and  somehow  in  a  hur 
ry,  I  let  out  that  Dr.  Dingley  had  set  me  on ; 
and  so  was  the  innocent  cause  of  his  getting 
a  most  righteous  licking  the  first  time  Capt. 
Peabody  caught  him.  It  wasn't  settled  short 
of  thirty  dollars. 

Well/Squire  Darling  stood  up  and  married 
us  about  right ;  and  there  was  an  end  of  trou 
ble.  Mother  in  law,  would  not  part  wfith 
Hannah,  and  she  made  father  in  law  give  us 
a  setting  out,  in  the  north  end  of  his  house. 
He  could  not  stomach  me  very  well  for 
awhile ;  but  I  have  managed  to  get  on  the 
blind  side  of  him.  I  turned  right  in  to  work 
on  his  farm,  as  steady  and  industrious  as  a 
cart-horse.  And  I  kept  on  pleasing  him  in 
one  way  and  another,  more  and  more,  till 


44  MARRIAGE. 

he  has  taken  such  a  liking  to  me,  that  he 
wouldn't  part  with  me  for  a  cow.  He  owns 
that  I  save  him  the  hire  of  a  help,  out  and 
out,  the  year  round. 

There — now  I  have  done.  I  have  enough 
to  do  that  is  more  profitable  at  home.  Be 
tween  hard  work  in  the  fields,  and  chores 
about  house  and  barn  and  hog-pen,  I  can't 
call  a  minute  my  own,  summer  nor  winter. 
And  just  so  sartain  as  my  wife  sees  me  come 
in  and  set  down  to  take  a  little  comfort,  just 
so  sartain  is  she  to  come  right  up,  and  give 
me  the  baby  to  hold. 


University  oj  California  •  Berkeley 

The  Theodore  H.  Koundakjian 

Collection 
oj  American  Humor 


